Programmer related Joke

June 26, 2011

A programmer is walking along a beach and finds a lamp. He rubs the lamp, and a genie appears. “I am the most powerful genie in the world. I can grant you any wish, but only one wish.”

The programmer pulls out a map, points to it and says, “I’d want peace in the Middle East.”

The genie responds, “Gee, I don’t know. Those people have been fighting for millenia. I can do just about anything, but this is likely beyond my limits.”

The programmer then says, “Well, I am a programmer, and my programs have lots of users. Please make all my users satisfied with my software and let them ask for sensible changes.”

At which point the genie responds, “Um, let me see that map again.”
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Source : google

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A software engineer joke

June 26, 2011

A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car’s occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?

“I know”, said the Departmental Manager, “Let’s have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way.”

“No, no”, said the Hardware Engineer, “That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I’ve got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car’s braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way.”

“Well”, said the Software Engineer, “Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again.”
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Source: google


Software Architect Path-Key to success is continuous hard/smart work

April 17, 2011

While googling about “Software Architect Path”, I landed on Oracle page titled On the Software Architect Trail ,here Bob Rhubart – manager of the architect community on Oracle Technology Network- explains the diferent path that can be followed while exploring career as Software Architect. Really interesting stuff.
There, also notice link to CNN at RESEARCH the CNNMoney.com report,which refer Software Architect as most paid job(Ranked No 1) role for 2010 in USA.

So all software professionals out here, lets target to be Software Architect. Key to success is continuous hard/smart work ………..:)


Learn how to appreciate…..!!

December 10, 2010

One young academically excellent person went to apply for a managerial position in a big company. He passed the first interview; the director did the last interview, made the last decision.

The director discovered from the CV, that the youth’s academic result is excellent all the way, from the secondary school until the postgraduate research, never was a year he did not score.

The director asked, “Did you obtain any scholarship in school?” and the youth answered “none”.

The director asked, “Is it your father who paid for your school fees?” the youth answered, my father passed away when I was one year old, it is my mother who paid for my school fees.

The director asked, “Where did your mother work?” the youth answered, my mother worked as a cloth cleaner.

The director requested the youth to show his hand, the youth showed a pair of hand that were smooth and perfect to the director. The director asked, “Did you ever help your mother wash the clothes before?”
The youth answered, never, my mother always wanted me to study and read more books, furthermore, my mother can wash clothes faster than me.
The director said, I have a request, when you go back today, go and help to
clean your mother’s hand, and then see me tomorrow morning.

The youth felt that as the chance of landing the job is high, when he went back, he happily wanted to clean his mother’s hand, his mother felt strange, happy but mixed with fear, she showed her hands to the kid.

The youth cleaned his mother’s hand slowly, his tears dropped down as he did that. It is the first time he found his mother’s hands so wrinkled, and there are so many bruises in her hand. Some bruises incite pains so strong that shiver his mother’s body when cleaned with water.

This is the first time the youth realized and experienced that it is this pair of hand that washed the cloth everyday to earn him the school fees, the bruises in the mother’s hand is the price that the mother paid for his graduation and academic excellence and probably his future.

After finishing the cleaning of his mother hand, the youth quietly cleaned all remaining clothes for his mother. That night, mother and son talked for a very long time.

Next morning, the youth went to the director’s office. The director noticed the tear in the youth’s eye, asked: “Can you tell what have you done and learned yesterday in your house?”
The youth answered, “I cleaned my mother’s hand, and also finished cleaning all the remaining clothes’
The director asked, “please tell me your feeling.”
The youth said :
Number 1, I knew what is appreciation, without my mother, there would not the successful me today.
Number 2, I knew how to work together with my mother, then only I can realize how difficult and tough to get something done.
Number 3, I knew the importance and value of family relationship.

The director said, ” This is what I am asking, I want to recruit a person that can appreciate the help of other, a person that knew the suffering of others to get thing done, and a person that would not put money as his only goal in life to be my manager. You are hired.

Later on, this young person worked very hard, and received the respect of his subordinates, every employees worked diligently and in a team, the company’s result improved tremendously.

A child who had been protected and habitually given whatever he did, he developed “entitlement mentality” and always put himself first. He is ignorant of his parent’s effort. When he started work, he assumed every people must listen to him, and when he became a manager, he would never know how suffering his employee and always blame others. For this kind of people, he can have good result, may be successful for a while, but eventually would not feel sense of achievement, he will grumble and full of hatred and fight for more. If we are this kind of protective parent, did we love the kid or destroy the kid?

You can let your kid live in a big house, eat a good meal, learn piano, watch a big screen TV. But when you are cutting grass, please let them experience it. After a meal, let them wash their plate and bowl together with their brothers and sisters. It is not because you do not have money to hire a maid, but it is because you want to love them in a right way. You want them to understand, no matter how rich their parents are, one day their hair will grow grey, same as the mother of that young person.

The most important thing is your kid learn how to appreciate
Source:Google


Profession-“Self Appraisal”

October 25, 2010

A little boy went to a telephone booth which was at the cash counter of a store and dialed a number.

The store-owner observed and listened to the conversation:

Boy : “Lady, Can you give me the job of cutting your lawn?

Woman : (at the other end of the phone line) “I already have someone to cut my lawn.”

Boy : “Lady, I will cut your lawn for half the price than the person who cuts your lawn now.”

Woman : I’m very satisfied with the person who is presently cutting my lawn.

Boy : (with more perseverance) “Lady, I’ll even sweep the floor and the stairs of your house for free.

Woman : No, thank you.

With a smile on his face, the little boy replaced the receiver. The store-owner, who was listening to all this, walked over to the boy.

Store Owner : “Son… I like your attitude; I like that positive spirit and would like to offer you a job.”

Boy : “No thanks,

Store Owner : But you were really pleading for one.

Boy : No Sir, I was just checking my performance at the job I already have. I am the one who is working for that lady I was talking to!”

This is called “Self Appraisal”

Source: Google


Think like a CEO- A reply from CEO of J.P. Morgan to a pretty girl seeking a rich husband

October 22, 2010

A reply from CEO of J.P. Morgan to a pretty girl seeking a rich husband

A young and pretty lady posted this on a popular forum:

Title: What should I do to marry a rich guy?

I’m going to be honest of what I’m going to say here.

I’m 25 this year. I’m very pretty, have style and good taste. I wish to
marry a guy with $500k annual salary or above.

You might say that I’m greedy, but an annual salary of $1M is considered
only as middle class in New York.

My requirement is not high. Is there anyone in this forum who has an income
of $500k annual salary? Are you all married?

I wanted to ask: what should I do to marry rich persons like you?

Among those I’ve dated, the richest is $250k annual income, and it seems
that this is my upper limit.

If someone is going to move into high cost residential area on the west of
New York City Garden(?), $250k annual income is not enough.

I’m here humbly to ask a few questions:
1) Where do most rich bachelors hang out? (Please list down the names and
addresses of bars, restaurant, gym)
2) Which age group should I target?
3) Why most wives of the riches are only average-looking? I’ve met a few
girls who don’t have looks and are not interesting, but they are able to
marry rich guys.
4) How do you decide who can be your wife, and who can only be your
girlfriend? (my target now is to get married)

Ms. Pretty

A philosophical reply from CEO of J.P. Morgan:

Dear Ms. Pretty,
I have read your post with great interest. Guess there are lots of girls
out there who have similar questions like yours. Please allow me to analyze
your situation as a professional investor.

My annual income is more than $500k, which meets your requirement, so I hope
everyone believes that I’m not wasting time here.

From the standpoint of a business person, it is a bad decision to marry you.
The answer is very simple, so let me explain.

Put the details aside, what you’re trying to do is an exchange of “beauty”
and “money” : Person A provides beauty, and Person B pays for it, fair and
square.

However, there’s a deadly problem here, your beauty will fade, but my money
will not be gone without any good reason. The fact is, my income might
increase from year to year, but you can’t be prettier year after year.

Hence from the viewpoint of economics, I am an appreciation asset, and you
are a depreciation asset. It’s not just normal depreciation, but exponential
depreciation. If that is your only asset, your value will be much worse 10 years later.

By the terms we use in Wall Street, every trading has a position, dating
with you is also a “trading position”.
If the trade value dropped we will sell it and it is not a good idea to keep
it for long term – same goes with the marriage that you wanted. It might be cruel
to say this, but in order to make a wiser decision any assets with great
depreciation value will be sold or “leased”.

Anyone with over $500k annual income is not a fool; we would only date you,
but will not marry you. I would advice that you forget looking for any clues to marry a rich guy. And by the way, you could make yourself to become a rich person with $500k annual
income. This has better chance than finding a rich fool.

Hope this reply helps. If you are interested in “leasing” services, do
contact me.

signed,
J.P. Morgan CEO

Think like a CEO…:)


Software Architecture-Improving .NET Application Performance and Scalability

October 16, 2010

Improving .NET Application Performance and Scalability

Summary: This guide provides end-to-end guidance for managing performance and scalability throughout your application life cycle to reduce risk and lower total cost of ownership. It provides a framework that organizes performance into a handful of prioritized categories where your choices heavily impact performance and scalability success. The logical units of the framework help integrate performance throughout your application life cycle. Information is segmented by roles, including architects, developers, testers, and administrators, to make it more relevant and actionable. This guide provides processes and actionable steps for modeling performance, measuring, testing, and tuning your applications. Expert guidance is also provided for improving the performance of managed code, ASP.NET, Enterprise Services, Web services, remoting, ADO.NET, XML, and SQL Server.

Table of content

Part I, Introduction to Engineering for Performance

Chapter 1 — Fundamentals of Engineering for Performance

Part II, Designing for Performance

Part III, Application Performance and Scalability

 Part IV, Database Server Performance and Scalability

Chapter 14 — Improving SQL Server Performance

Part V, Measuring, Testing, and Tuning

 

This guide was produced by the following .NET development specialists:

  • J.D. Meier, Microsoft, Program Manager, patterns & practices
  • Srinath Vasireddy, Microsoft, Program Manager, patterns & practices
  • Ashish Babbar, Infosys Technologies Ltd
  • Alex Mackman, Content Master Ltd, Founding member and Principal Technologist

 Reference:

http://msdn.microsoft.com/en-us/library/ff649152.aspx